Top 10 Things I Never Knew About Pregnancy

I saw my friend James this last Saturday evening at our amazing friend Lauren’s Brave New Workshop show (very well done, by the way!). As I recounted my latest pregnancy woes, he commented that he’s learned all sorts of weird facts about pregnancy from me that he didn’t know before. While I would like to pretend this is due to my expert pre-pregnancy knowledge of all things woman, I must confess that I knew none of these strange facts either until they became a direct concern of mine. So, in honor of that, here are the top 10 things I never knew about pregnancy and childbirth until it was too late to avoid them:

Quick note: about half of these are about bodily functions, so if you want to think of me as being more lady-like, you may just want to skip this blog.

1. All the books contradict one another. And then the doctor contradicts the books.

2. It’s the only time in your life that people think that it’s okay to comment on your weight. Granted, I make a lot of comments about it myself, but it’s still strange to hear people say things like, “You’re only 5 months pregnant? My god, you’re huge! Are you sure? You’re going to be bigger than a house by the time this is through! Wow!” Thanks…thanks a lot…

3. Everyone talks about how pregnant women are plagued with constipation for nine months. I never read anywhere about having the opposite problem, but trust me…it’s possible.

4. Two words – carpal tunnel. As if I didn't look stupid enough, now I get to wear braces on both of my wrists for the next 7 weeks. Rock on.

5. Babies don’t just kick your belly – they kick in all directions. Spine, bladder, stomach – no discrimination, just lots of kicking.

6. Time actually goes more slowly when you’re pregnant. I firmly believe this; I cannot believe I’ve only known about this pregnancy for 6 months – it feels like I’ve been pregnant forever.

7. Baby pees inside mom’s body. Yup. Baby takes food in through the umbilical cord and then pees in your uterus. Aww, fer cute.

8. Nothing has worse assembly instructions than baby furniture. I have assembled furniture from IKEA where they only have pictures and the writing is all in Swedish with no problem, but that stupid swing chair almost got thrown out the window before I was done putting it together. Maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t they make sure that the baby stuff goes together correctly? I mean, it’s not like you need to be concerned about safety or anything…

9. When your water breaks, it doesn’t necessarily happen like in the movies – big gush, embarrassing mess. Sometimes it’s just a slow trickle. Like you’re forever peeing your pants. Either way, it’ll be awesome if it starts while I’m out teaching a class.

10. Mom has about a 50% chance of doing what during labor? Pooping on the table. Yup. Apparently with all that pushing going on, your body has no control over what does and does not get pushed out, and that includes poo. As if the whole labor thing wasn’t ridiculous enough.