Pregtarded

They say that pregnancy makes you act pretty goofy. Pregnant women are clumsy, forgetful, and just generally pretty disoriented a lot of the time. Well, what happens when you embody all of those qualities before you even become pregnant? That’s the definition of pregtarded.

I am completely pregtarded. I can’t do anything without looking or feeling like a fool these days. I will drop something, bend over to pick it up, drop it again, pick it up, drop it a third time, and finally just leave it there because it’s not worth the effort of moving my 40 extra pounds back over to try again. Did I say 40 pounds? Yes, that’s how much I’ve gained. And I’m steadily gaining about 2-3 pounds a week. And I still have 10 weeks to go. To use math, 40 lbs. so far + (2.5 lbs/week x 10 weeks to go) = 40 + 25 = 65. So we can estimate that I will have gained 65 pounds by the time this is over. I’m telling you, I’d better be giving birth to a 30 pound baby here…

I’m also beyond forgetful right now – I’m incoherent. I can’t follow my own train of thought, let alone those of others. It’s not unusual these days for me to ask someone a question about something they just told me not 45 seconds earlier. Work has become somewhat embarrassing.

But the greatest example of pregtardedness to date – not just for me, but for all pregnant women everywhere – is that I have officially lost my wedding ring. Nope, not joking. I can’t imagine where it could be. All I know is that I definitely had it on Tuesday night (I had a parent meeting for my volleyball team, so I made sure I was wearing my ring so the Catholic parents knew that I was married and not having a baby out of wedlock or anything), and I know I did NOT wear it to work on Friday (Big Show Day at The Bakken – parents everywhere – again, very conscious of the fact that I looked like an unwed mother-to-be), and I can’t remember when or why I took it off in between. I’ve searched the house, my desk, and my car from top to bottom and sent the word out to folks at The Bakken and BSM, but so far it’s nowhere to be found. I wish I could make a better joke out of this, but it’s been a pretty traumatic past couple of days of searching with no reward, so I’ll just ask my nonexistent readers to send out some good prayers for me.